Autism and Social Skills Accounting

Stephen Covey talks about a model that may be helpful to parents of children with autism. The model involves imagining that social interactions are like deposits into and with drawls from a bank.

It is of course not as easy as just talking about deposits. We also need to talk about the deposits being what happens when a child does something that the other person sees as a benefit. The important part here is that the other person has to see it as a benefit whether the child with autism does or not.

Deposits can be large or small. Ideally we want to teach our child to make the largest possible deposit with the smallest effort so as not to wear them out. There are many ways to make the most of a deposit.

Some deposits are just large because they are a huge help. A huge help for a child may be help studying for and passing a test. Small help for a child might be holding a door.

Some deposits are large because you were not expected to help. A good description of this might start with the explanation that it is expected that your mother or father will help. It may not be expected that a child help another student. Therefore the deposit is considered larger or worth more.

Also it is important whether someone asks your child for help or your child volunteers. A child who volunteers to help will get a larger deposit. This is an important technique to explain to your child with autism as it will encourage your child to look for ways to help.

An important idea to talk about is something that has nothing to do with the size of the deposit. It is where you start in this process. If the child with autism starts making with drawls with a typical child, that child will expect your child to continue to make with drawls. Of course the opposite happens. If your child starts by making deposits then the typical child expects deposits.

So now, what is our child going to do with these deposits? Deposits might be used as a way for our child to get out of activities and still be friendly. Sometimes we as parents may not even know how the deposits are being used by our child, but just by the nature of autism they will get used!

Social Skills Training for Children with Autism Part 2

Social Skills Training for Children With Autism

Once again it is up to parents to implement social skills training for children with autism. In the first part of this series we learned the three stages of acquiring some level of friendships. In this part of the series we will look at a term called Social Accounting.

Social Accounting is done by typical adults on an unconscious basis. Because children with autism do not pick up the social skills naturally we have to in some way quantify what many of us do automatically. Some of us even employ Social Accounting openly. We all know the office person who has a list of who contributes to parties and birthdays and who does not. Ideally there should be four steps in the Social Accounting process for children with autism.

The first step is to give free chances to every new child our child is trying to get the attention of. The thoughtful process is to give that child a certain amount of time say two weeks or a month to get to know our child. During this time we need to talk to our child about giving the other child free chances to try to get to know them. Your child should ignore gossip. In the process of getting to know your child other children are going to say or do things your child might assume is hurtful. During this free chances stage your child will assume these things are a mistake or a misunderstanding.

The next step is for your child to help the child in question in some way. An alternative is for your child to give the child in question something such as a small toy or snack.

Third you want your child to start using one of the two or three skills they have developed to start carving out a place among the other children. Teach your child to use their skill to make the others happy.

Finally your child with autism must not worry about the other children giving him favors. At this point your child will be a ‘good will ambassador’ to other children. Your child also needs to be careful to spread his help around evenly to other children. You and your child need to look for skills they are so proficient in that it will not take your child a lot of time to help. The goal is to make progress in your social skills training. .

Social Skills Training for Chilren with Autism Part 1

Unfortunately one the things parents will find themselves doing is trying to teach their child social skills. Remember this is the same child who sees the world in black and white. It is possible, but parents need to remember that the trick is to use those quirks of autism to their benefit.

One of the ways to use the quirks of autism to your benefit when raising a child with autism is to teach them rules. If you can teach them a rule which will ‘fit’ into their black and white version of the world you can have some measure of success. Initially you will need to teach 3 stages of meeting people and becoming some level of friends with people.

The first stage is the “Do I want to know this person?” stage. Adults have learned over years that making a good first impression is critical. This is not always the case in social skills training for children with autism. Your child may be able to make a good first impression and then not be able to keep the impression up through the other stages. Initially we should teach our children not to make a bad first impression.

The third stage is the stage that children try to figure out how the other person might be useful to them. This can be a conscious or unconscious process. As parents we need to get over the feeling that this process is self serving or calculating. Our children need us to teach them in black and white terms that they can understand. The child with autism will spend their time better cultivating a variety of skills that maybe helpful. Preferably with your help they can cultivate two or three areas they really like.

The third stage is the stage our children actually form the different levels of friendships. We need to teach our children that typical children will form closed groups. We should make every effort to teach our child with autism to stay away from becoming a member of a group. Our children should do their best to remain friendly enough with all of the groups to be able to get regular invitations to join them in an activity but not become a member.

Introducing Applied Behavioral Analysis for People with Autism

One of the treatment options for people with Autism is Applied Behavioral Analysis or ABA. I know parents who have paid for ABA therapy and spend time doing ABA therapy with their child. They seem to be quite satisfied that their child has been taught to be compliant in the process.

ABA is based on some of the same beliefs as Positive Behavior Supports. The theory is that desirable behaviors can be increased with rewards or in the case of ABA with our reactions. And the reverse undesirable behaviors can be reduced by rewards or reactions.

The behaviors which ABA concentrates on are literacy, educational skills, social skills, communication skills, and daily living skills. The daily living skills includes motor skills, food preparation, personal care, cleaning, time, money, and work skills. ABA uses an individual approach developed for each child. Each skill is taught in very small steps, like dressing might start with putting on socks. ABA is typically done by therapists or trainers and by parents. It is at least a 40 hour week.

Some people are opposed to ABA because they believe it teaches children to respond like a robot. But as I said parents who I know who have learned and taught ABA love it. Another problem with ABA is that because it is so time intensive it tends to cost a lot. Some parents have found tips to help with this problem but even then there are costs involved.

More Dominoe, Autism, and Money

So now Dominoe wants a pair of shoes. I tried really hard to convince her to wait till tomorrow after work to go get shoes. She was insistant.

I could tell by the look on her face and the way she looked out of the side of her eyes….She had enough today.

Finally she said if she waited they (the shoes) might be gone!

I told her if she pitched a fit in the PCAs car they would come home without shoes. I told her if she pitched a fit (we call it a floor show) in the store they would come home without the shoes.

She got her shoes.

Although I am excited she has finally figured out she has to have money. Now what? She cant spend like this forever.

Dominoe, Autism, and Money

or a long time I have known that Dominoe does not have any idea about money. On the other hand she always surprises me….

She came running into the living room yesterday morning. She says you only gave me five dollar.

Let me explain. I don’t cook. I give her spending money from her check everyday to eat and buy stuff she wants. When she runs out of money I give her money anyway.

Well, I told Dominoe no that was her regular amount of money. She says but I want to buy another jacket. Yesterday, she came home with a matching jacket and pants.

It was time to investigate. I went to the PCA and asked where the money had come from for the jacket and pants. This PCA is young and they go to young people’s stores. Remember Dominoe is 21 now. Anyway the PCA started laughing. She said they had seen the clothes and Dominoe had told her(the PCA) she wanted to get them. The PCA told her that she did not have enough money. The PCA tells me (laughing) that when they got home Dominoe started pulling a dollar from here and five dollars from there. Dominoe kept asking if that was enough!

You see I usually give her enough money to get up to a certain amount each day. So if she has extra money I just put enough to get her to that amount. This has been going on for years and years. I am just tickled to death that she decided to hide her extra money.

And yes I gave her extra money for the jacket she was after. (So much for the budget.)

Having a Blog Is Interesting

I write what I like here.
It makes me happy.
I wonder if anyone reads it or cares?
I love being a mother.
Especially Dominoe’s mother.

Is a Blood Test for Autism Necessary?

I ran across an article about the Autism Genome Project. The article is from the middle of 2007. Dr. James Sutcliffe is one of the doctors working on DNA samples from families with two or more members with autism. At the time they were hoping to be able to come up with a blood test that could predict IF a child would have autism. The article talks about the families’ urgency in developing this test.

It reminds me of the mothers who come into our office. In the past few years we have had several mothers who come in who are pregnant and have been told their child will have Down Syndrome. They have been offered an abortion. We give them information. In at least a couple of instances the mother’s have called months later and did not have a baby with Down Syndrome. I guess that is my first concern. That in the effort to know we will in effect throw the baby out with the bath water.

My second concern is about getting rid of all of the people in the world who are different. I have realized now and in years past that my experience with my daughter with autism is different. I enjoy the differences. Yes we still have the bad times. The barking that went on for almost a year. The evenings spent holding her head so she could not slam it on the floor.

Anyway I did experience all of these things, but I also experienced joy. The joy of seeing her do things that took her years to do compared to other children. The fun of figuring out the way she thought about things. The joy of seeing her face light up.

I am the woman I am today because of her. My concern is that if we had a blood test for the possibility of autism, we would miss those things and become a further intolerant society. So what might be next? A blood test for people who might have asthma or how about diabetes……

Important Reasons to Get Early Help If Your Child May Have Autism

Although a parent might not have a diagnosis early on, it is imperative to start intervention early if you suspect your child may have autism. As any parent knows children acquire huge amounts of information while they are the youngest. From crawling, to walking, to talking, to toilet training those first three to five years are packed and when a child seems to learn the fastest. Because of this ability to learn fast it is important to start with therapies as young as possible.
In this manner it is easier to build on strengths. One of the ways a child with any disability will learn to cope is to strengthen the skills that they find easy. Those early strengths can be used to motivate children as well.
In the case of poor behaviors it is easier to learn acceptable behaviors first of course. Learning how to teach a child with a different way of understanding is important. Nest it is easier to stop unwanted behaviors and teach replacement behaviors before they become ingrained. Unfortunately many people only look for help after everyone seems to be locked into a system of unproductive behaviors, whether the behavior is the parent’s or the child’s.
Equipment or tools are also easier to develop while a child is young. Teaching a child to use a communication board or communication cards while younger is critical. In the process the young child is taught to make choices. Later when or if a system of communication is needed it will be easier and quicker to go to the next step.
One of the surprising reasons that you will want to get help if you child might have autism is to help yourself. Parents of children with asd need to be able to think outside the box. Whether responding to odd behaviors or figuring out a different way to teach a concept, we need to be able to think in a different way.
Finally the last reason to get help is to develop the systems that will support you and your child early. Some of these systems will take years to fully develop so getting an early start no matter what the diagnosis is critical.

Exploring Myths of Autism and A Little Something Extra

One of the interesting Myths of Autism is that people with autism do not form personal relationships. I personally know this is a myth because of my own children. Having a daughter with autism and a daughter with Aspergers I can say that my children interact with me and their siblings. The also interact with friends and people in the community.
They have attached to me and the rest of the family. It is just different.

I always wonder how these myths get started. Possibly it is from the early belief by professionals that the reason our children have autism was because the mothers were what was called “refrigerator mothers.” I wonder how many mothers had trouble attaching to their children after that. Well anyway, professionals now agree that the mothers are not the problem

Quite possibly the reason this myth persists lies with our children. My typical children do not necessarily like to be around people they do not know, especially if they are around those people in a strange place. I am not sure why we expect children who might have a disability to be friendly. Just because our children ignore people they know does not mean they can not attach. Even when in the presence of someone they know they might not seem to be interested if there are other things going on.

Children and adults with autism have their own special way of worming their way into your heart. Sometimes that is good and sometimes that is difficult. When you have a self abusive child is one of the difficult times. It is sweet anyway.

Spending time a quantity of time with a person with autism and paying attention, really paying attention starts to give you the input necessary to be together in a meaningful way. It is just different. Different than anything some people have ever experienced. Raising children with autism has taught me to listen, really listen. That is a gift I would never want to trade.

A Little Something Extra

It was hard for me to let my then child with autism learn to sign. I wanted her to speak. But she learned to talk even with signs. It might be hard to let your child use a ‘talker’ of some type but communication on what ever level is so important.

During my research one of the things I have learned from people with autism is the benefits and the pure joy of being able to communicate. People with autism have mentioned that they did not want to learn to communicate in the beginning. They also say it is one of the most wonderful skills for building relationships.

People First Language

People First Language is a concept where people use a thoughtful and considered way of talking about people with disabilities. It is also considered polite and respectful.

Typical people have learned many things form people with disabilities. It has only been in the past roughly 20 years that people with disabilities have consistently been living to retirement age. Surprisingly one of the things we have learned by people with disabilities approaching old age is that they consider their disability as only part of who they are. Just like a hobby or job or any other role they may have in life.

After all I do not want to be only known by some of my characteristics. How much fun would it be to only be known at that short grey headed square lady with glasses! I am so much more than that and so is my child. She likes animals, she works, she likes to go to the local soccer games, and she happens to have autism.

The technique of using People First Language is to put the person first and them the disability. An example is the child with autism, not the autistic child. Another example is the man who uses a wheelchair for mobility, not the wheelchair bound man.

Another benefit of people with disabilities aging has been changes in the fabric of government agencies. Many federal and state agencies are now required to use People First Language. People with disabilities have risen to different levels in agencies and have made their mark at least in the way they are referred to.

One of the tales of how People First Language was started goes back to World War I. After that war and other wars some veterans returned home with various degrees of disability. It is believed that men would be on streets with their hat in their hands asking for help. People passing would throw a few coins into the cap, hence the term handi-capped. Later people took exception to the term handicapped especially when applied to people. Even later came People First terminology.

As the parent of a child with autism and also a person who works in the system I choose to use People First Language. Not everyone I come into contact makes the same choice. Some of the parents I run into do not know or understand the concept.

At first I have to admit that I would get upset. I suppose as I have gotten older I have developed a different outlook. Modeling People Fist Language without being upset has been very effective. Some parents even automatically start using that way of speaking about their children. With professionals and other parents I wait till I know them better. Then I choose a good time to mention I want to talk about it. To date I have never gotten a bad response with this technique. As a matter of fact some of the professionals I know consciously work at it and ask me for help!

Everything I Learned About Being an Advocate I Learned From My Mother

Everything I Learned About Being an Advocate I Learned From My Mother
Stolen and Adapted by Mylinda Elliott

My Mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside…I just finished cleaning.”

My Mother taught me Religion.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My Mother taught me about Positive Behavior Supports.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next
week!”

My Mother taught me about Logic.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My Mother taught me to Follow an Individualized Plan.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My Mother taught me about Goals and Objectives.
“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My Mother taught me about Learning Styles.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My Mother taught me to be Flexible.
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My Mother taught me about Stamina.
“You’ll sit there till that spinach is finished.”

My Mother taught me about Hypocrisy.
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times-- Don’t Exaggerate!”

My Mother taught me about Behavior Modification.
“Stop acting like your father.”

My Mother taught me about Related Services.
“There are children less fortunate than you in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

My Mother taught me about Parental Participation.
“I brought you into the world, and I can take you out!”

5 Easy Techniques for Parents Coping with Autism

One of the first ways a parent of a child with autism or aspergers can cope is to take care of themselves. Parents of children who have autism are hard workers and engaged parents. Although this is a wonderful characteristic of parents in general, it can also be one of a parent of a child with Autism/Aspergers worst enemy. Because autism and aspergers can take over the family life it is important to do those little things for yourself and each other every day. It does not have to be something big.

The second way a parent can cope with raising a child with autism or aspergers is to use local support groups. Since people seem to be social creatures in general, it should come as no surprise at how important it is to have some one to talk to. Preferably someone who at least has some idea what we are going through. This is where support groups like the Autism Society come in. These groups provide the perfect opportunity to discuss, vent, or problem solve with people.

The third way a parent can cope is to use internet opportunities. Several internet techniques are available to parents. A parent can belong to an internet group/list to have someone to talk to via email. There are also discussion boards centered around children with autism. These options are much more readily available to parents in the middle of the night.

Surprisingly accepting help is probably one of the hardest ways for a parent to learn how to cope. It is also the forth way to cope on our list. We just naturally do not want the bother of having people so intimately involved in our lives. It is difficult in learning how to have helpers or personal care attendants in our homes on a regular or even occasional basis.

The final item on our list is easier. Consider the other people in our lives. We need to have an idea of how people can help us. Many times people will tell each other “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.” Having some ideas ready is a technique people can use. If you are a single mom do you need the grass mowed? Or would it help if someone took your younger child for a couple of hours once a week so you could spend some quality time with one child or another? Do you need someone to pick up milk or a few things at the grocery store today?

This is a simple list of some of the ways parents can cope with the issues around raising a child with ask. It is by no means a comprehensive list. Some of the items on the list are easy and quick to start implementing. Others may take longer. All of them can and are implemented every day.

Autism and The Jelly Shoes

Being a mother of five children, I always had to watch our budget especially to afford some of the other things associated with a child with autism (or two children with autism ). One of the things we learned early on was to make use of hand me downs whether siblings or friends. One of my friends gave my daughter a whole grocery bag of Jelly Shoes, in every color. My 20 year old was excited. She was the only one with a foot small enough for these.

Of course the first pair my daughter chose was a bright red pair. Some of them had buckles. We have not bought shoes with buckles in years. As she tried to get them unbuckled she became frustrated. After fussing at the shoes for a few minutes she handed them to me. I asked if she wanted help and she said yes. This skill is a big improvement for her.

Then we went to getting the shoes on her feet. They slid on easily. Unfortunately there was that buckle again. She worked on it and worked on it. She got more and more frustrated. Finally she started talking to the shoes. She told them they were crazy. She started screaming at the shoes and cussing them. I sat across the room from her and watched.

Somewhere in the screaming phase I told her she needed to ask if she wanted help. This is a skill we have been working on for a long time and as you know a very hard skill for people who have autism in general. She ignored me!

After screaming at the shoes for awhile she started hitting them. I seriously considered making her let me help her at that point. I decided against it because she really was not hurting herself or any one else. She also was not damaging property. I did mention she could ask me for help again. She told me no! After much rolling around on the couch and screaming, she did get the buckle fastened.

Thinking about it, there is really so little she can control and SHE DID IT! She really was not doing anything that typical adults do not do every day. Get angry, start cussing, and start slapping things around.

Views of Autism

Yesterday I saw a notice from Ari Ne’eman from the AutisticSelfAdvocacy Network. He has a list I belong to at
http://www.autisticadvocacy.org
which I highly recommend. The notice spoke of Dr. Eric London’s resignation from one of the AutismSpeaks committees. His letter spoke of decisions being made with out input from the scientific committee. This was the committee on which he was a member.

This brings up some interesting questions and thoughts.

1. Do you think people with autism need to be “fixed”?
As you may know from previous posts I have two daughters. One has autism and one has asbergers. No I do not see either one of my children as someone who needs to be fixed. On the other hand do I want to maximize all of my daughters’ experiences? You Betcha!

2. Do you think that therapies for people who have autism are over priced?
Sometimes. Parents of children with autism have to be very creative to keep their children engaged. I am not sure they should pay for every therapy that comes along. That is a really good way to break the budget for years to come, especially without investigating the free resources available. Then supplementing those resources with their own resources would be wiser.

3. How do I buy all the equipment I am told is necessary?
There are many ways to cut costs of equipment. Make some your self, borrow some, and explore agencies set up to help with the costs. Some parents even invest in one or the others education to learn how to do therapy themselves. I will make a separate post on this at a later date.

I would like to see other blogs on autism respond to these questions, particularly the first question. Knowing exactly what mindset people come from is so important in the area of autism and aspergers. So how about it?

Expert Parent on Autism

One of the things I have learned in my 20+ years raising children with autism spectrum disorders is that the parent is the expert. We as parents spend a lot of time going to one doctor or another. We go to a variety of therapists. We go to the education system for help. In all of those people no one knows your child better than you do.

Everyone seem to be able to describe all of your child’s deficits and weaknesses. But one person alone knows all of your child’s strengths—you. And of course it is building on these strengths which is going to give your child any independence and happiness in life. You as the parent will also be the person there the longest. Siblings come in a close second and have their own insights but you are there the longest. Specific knowledge of your child and the length of your exposure to autism make you an expert.

Reminds Me of Raising A Child with Autism

I came across this poem again in some of my things. Even though it is written about a toddler it reminds me of raising a child with autism. I do not know who wrote it so let me know if you do. Enjoy!

The Rules of Toddler

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it is solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
I it is shelved, it must be removed.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
I it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.

Autism and The Bathtub

One of my daughters has a problem once or twice a year. During the night she does not make it to the bathroom fast enough, if at all. Last night was one of those nights. When I got up in the morning I had some cleaning up to do. As I am sitting on the edge of the tub I am reaching down and around the toilet to clean while talking.

My child wants to know if she is in trouble. I keep telling her no. In her wonderfully autistic way she keeps asking. We talk about the movie we saw last night. I am concentrating on keeping her calm and reach way too far. And I fall into the bathtub! Butt first! I am sitting there with my feet in the air and first I think, did I hurt anything? I am no small woman, but I think no.

Then I think with…did I mention…with my feet in the air, how am I going to get out of here? I certainly do not want to have to call the firemen to come get me! All this time I am trying to keep a young adult with autism, my child, calm. Well I finally figure out how to wiggle myself to the side and get on my knees and get out.

By now my daughter and I are laughing. What else am I to do? Another day in the life of a parent of a child with autism!